Hello folks....sorry been down for the count with a really sick, clingy, cranky baby who is finally on the mend and in the meantime managed to get mommy sick as well....hoping to be able to enjoy the weather perking up sometime this week. We had a teaser the other day at 60 but back into the 40's as of now. Thinking of Spring, warmer weather and things to do, outside, I also began to think of jotting down a bucket list. Dos that sounds odd? I thought seeing it down on paper might make me want to complete some of them sooner or just remind myself of them. Things such as going for walks more often...hence getting some exercise as well. Enjoying more things I like, as in the museum, Aquarium, stuff of that sort. Also getting back into my reading...one of my first loves. And I'll share with you a secret..I've always wanted to write a book of my own, and still do. Of course I dont really have an idea on what or how to the hell to start and if I do finish something how to go about publishing it...and the BIG question..am I being ridiculous thinking I might even ever be able to accomplish that!? With being out of work I think about it more and more...I have the time, kinda considering my infant, now 12 mos old so considered a toddler, takes up majority of my time...but if I really wanted to do it I'd find time, right? SO much to consider....it kinda feels like a little girls big dream...not that I cant dream its what if I cant make that dream a reality..thats scary and I'm not getting any younger..what the hell am I waiting for right...but then I think should I write under a pen name or just be myself..question, questions...well off to think..thanks for reading and hopefully someone will bless me with their input..

Good morning my followers...lol. Sounded good, or maybe creepy! Any hoo..today is a holiday, Good Friday and I am home with my kiddos all day. I am glad that Spring is finally rearing it's head...where I am there has been way too much snow. Now should I just pick up where I left off or go into something else. I guess pick up...now that Spring has arrived it inevitable Summer will follow. For some of us, like me who have gained more weight than they need this is cause for anxiety or in some cases extreme anxiety. I am 5' 1 and had always been on the petite size. 115 in HS. Having 2 of my kids in my early 20's I did well with pregnancy. Not gaining too much and losing quite quickly without having to do really anything at all...lucky me. Then I had my 2nd son at 30 and a little weight stayed. Well my boob size did finally go up then from a B to a DD and has stayed since. Doubt that will ever be lost. Of all the sizes I like being a full C the best. In any event at that time I had a boyfriend would would tell me I was too fat (145 after just having a baby, his baby!) and that I was worthless, never good enough, that no one else would ever want me while all the while he would cheat, lie, steal, not come home for days if you even considered him crashing on the couch when need be sometime after midnight to get up for work (supposedly) at 5 or so living there. Yes eventually I did come to my senses and cut that douche right out of my life. And me just like you wonders why in the hell it took me SO damn long.  He's still a big thorn in my side now that we have 2 kids together (we had a daughter early on before my 2nd son) that I now have to try and parent with if you could even ever call  him that. He is a piece of work amongst many other colorful words I'd rather choose to call him! He never physically hit me...although I do have yo say sometimes I wish he would have so I had an "excuse" to leave him. Crazy cause that makes no sense. He was always demeaning and degrading but coming from my background it was a normal for me. Just to make the statement clear....mental, emotional and verbal abuse is just as painful...this kind lingers with you and it still does , sometimes, to this day for me. IT. IS. NOT. OK!! If you find yourself in that situation get help, there is always something better than that. Well to get back to my subject. Due to the latter circumstances and childhood issues I developed Depression, Anxiety, along with some PSTD,and OCD. Fun huh...Well I sought help and received it. I was already seeing a therapist and requested I speak with a medication specialist because I had all the symptoms and needed more help. It doesnt help that this runs in my side of the family, from my mother (a physical abuse survivor to my grandmother (her mother) and my brothers and now my 2 oldest. I was put on medication and once I found my level that helped the most I thrived. Seemed to be feeling "normal" and enjoying life again. Although this time I was going at it as a single woman...not that he was ever around enough to be considered a partner. Unbeknownst to me this particular med had side effects I couldnt deal with. I had been actively working out but I gained 30 lbs rather quickly when I had been in the 130's. And along came sexual side effects, not fun. So began the trial of meds that would work and hopefully not give me the same side effects....Back to my issue before I got off topic...weight. Dont we pretty much all have it. Since having my last baby I have hovered at 160 ish. And for my height that puts me in the obese category..I'm livid...never in my life have I been this heavy even being 9 mos pregnant with any of my other kids! So Summer is around the corner and to say the least I'm embarrassed!! I hate my body and I know I'm the only one who can change that. But to tell you its not daunting I'd be lying through my teeth! I struggle with this daily. I have in my mind, me thinner, better, and I go through how I'd work out and it always fails..something comes up through the day, mostly my youngest just being 1 and been sick for quite some time. Nothing really serious, ear infections of which we are scheduled to get tubes next week but combine that with a constant cold, getting croup, more ear infections and now possible lactose intolerance I've had enough. Not that I havent had my share of sick kids cause believe you me I have. More stories for another time. well now I'm exhausted...pouring your soul out should be...I will once again return. Oh and a big thank you to who has followed so far...I tend to ramble and make incomplete sentences..probably because I think faster than I write and If I dont get it down I loose it! lol

Well where to begin...not sure quite what to write. You've noticed my title is Hodge Podge..in particular because I dont intend to write solely about one subject. Yes indeed I will be all over the place, lol. Just finished looking through old photos and yes the nostalgia has set in. I just recently hit 40, oh good God huh...I know it should be a new chapter but I feel like my last one was never close, not completed yet. I've done none of the things I really wanted. I guess I shouldnt say that...I have a baby w/ a man I love and who will always, I hope, be there for me. And I'm home w/ him and the rest of my kids like I want. But I'm still missing things, some THING...work is non-exsistant and I feel like a failure. I think I've got the one up on my depression/anxiety but things still sucks...just not deep down, panic about suck. Your normal, average daily suck if that make sense. I have no career to speak of..never made it to college and can barely remember anything I learned in HS. I think I have permanent baby brain! There's many things I wanna do...thinks I constantly think about doing but when it comes to the actually doing of it I fall short..really short. It looks great in my mind but I cant seem to find the motivation to actually accomplish any of it! And that brings me to an entirely different subject which I will not get in to at the moment...so hold your hats I'll be back later...

Welcome to my blog...obviously I'm new to all this. Feel free to follow me on my journey. :)